Did you notice i was gone?

Hello there! and I am speaking to whoever may follow this, I am still here! My world has taken such drastic changes since we last caught up. I am still lost as hell and faaarrr from happy but I am working and providing and moving forward with life since after all isn’t that all that matters. It’s all I know at least. I don’t know how to be truly happy I just know how to be someone’s housekeeper and cook and bank apparently. one day will be my day where either I meet someone to inspire me or something… Eh guess not, my life isn’t meant for that honestly I don’t understand what it’s for anymore. But I strive on. my goal is to make everyone’s life easier and stronger and better and by damn it I will. I don’t know my own worth and maybe never will I’ve been raised as nothing as trash maybe for once I’ve just accepted it instead of fighting it, I’m tired and don’t have any fight left! doesn’t make me weak just done. I will keep doing right by my kids until my dying day

Well here’s to a fresh start

Hello I’ve been m.i.a for awhile figuring out my life didn’t know where to go with it. I lost nana that was my starting point. Gil had been starting chemo to fight his stage 4 cancer and I was 💯 there in the beginning (not that I’m not there as much as allowed now) but I made a choice to be there when I could and focus on the kids cause sick or not some of his choices I just couldn’t agree with hurting another person ( whom he ended up back at anyway) so I’m glad I made he choice I did again would rather not be hurt again. I quit my one job that was dragging my life down and started one I love and really started building up my Avon business. I’ll be blogging more often again… did you miss me?!

And welcome to rock bottom

So my nana has passed and been put to rest in the ocean which was where she loved to be. Her celebration of life was beautiful at first then all hell breaks lose I don’t recall a lot i black things out since I was a child, but I can recall is my mother trying to destroy my dad as usual I end up in tears, start drinking and then get into it with Frankie whom kicks me and my children out of the home over, what he assumes rather then facts… so now I’m frantically trying to work and raise kids and help Gil and trying to keep some normality for the kids and everything is falling apart around me 😞 my sister and stand in mom (not my biological) were to move in with us but will now be homeless 😞 just to much right now

Here’s to the new chapter

Well life keeps changing, nana has passed away her funeral is this weekend, Gil whom I love dearly has been diagnosed with cancer and I’m just hanging in trying to be support for everyone. I’m running my business and working both jobs and trying to be mom in between. I know god tests his soldiers but what rank does he think I am?! Let’s see where this goes

What now

My nana went home to be with god. I’m so hurt and so lost, she put up one hell of a fight. She took her last breathe at 3:01pm now the other process of death begins for the ones left behind!

So lost

Been lost everyday since everything has been going in spirals. I’m so tired and stressed and alone it really sucks I don’t even feel like myself 😞 my birthday is tomorrow and I really don’t want happy birthday wishes or anything just wanna hide from the world.

What to do

Been through an emotional roller coaster, my nana has taken a turn for the worst. My nana has Alzheimer’s and it’s been a rough past couple years but sadly in the past two weeks it’s taken a severe decline. She went from wandering everywhere and talking ( not on topic but talking) to having seizures and now is in hospice care. I don’t what I’m going to do when that day comes I really don’t. I don’t know how I’m going to be strong for my family or my kids I don’t know where I’m going to hide to mourn without them seeing I’m just so lost and scared. Been burying myself in work and kids to hide from it but when your alone and your thoughts flood to you, you cannot hide 😔

Well let’s backtrack a little

I am a mamma bear. i have my reasons, which in time you will slowly learn as i tell my story slowly but surely.Most of my life as a child i have blocked and seriously cant recall a lot due to this fact. My parents were in high school when i came along so i wasn’t exactly planned. But long behold here i am. I was the apple of my grandparents eye (both sides) and my dad worked his a#@ off to try and support us. i grew up in the courthouse sadly, my parents 1 divorced 2 fought for custody and 3 my mother accused my father of molesting me. Let that sink in for a minute… My mother accused my father of molesting me… And worse then that, she trained me to fear him and believe that… she would make me tell him horrible things on phone calls and built so much fear into me of him. It really sucks now to remember those things. I being a young naive child only praying for my mothers love always was denied. I grew up being my mothers cash cow ( my dad never missed child support) and her human punching bag. My mother abused me so badly that there is things i will never forget, but i never told a soul every time cps came to our house or a teacher called for help or anyone because i wouldn’t put my sisters through it. I remember her making my sisters bathe me as a form of punishment or kicking me in the stomach and when i cried she would throw me in a cold shower to make me stop, sitting on me punching me in the face because my therapist told her to… WHAT?! i cant believe everything that kept me silent back then, besides that moving on life never really got better with her i just hid it well except for family that could see right through me. My mother doesn’t deserve the title mother. Nor does she receive it from me.

Toot toot

Well the crazy train come through again! I swear these kids team up against me! And sometimes I win but not often. I wouldn’t change it for the world tho, these kids give me the drive to make me a better person, to push for what I want and give them the world. Much like my nana and grandma tried to do for me. My mom was the motherly type for me, so I looked to my grandparents for advise. I have no regrets of it tho, they were amazing examples for me and I love them dearly. I will slowly go into details of my family, there’s a lot of pain anger and so much more it’s better to deliver it in doses

Checking out

Mentally I’m not sure what to do… my crazy never stops! My nana is a good chunk of my world and she suffers from dementia and it’s been very progressive since she had seizures, and by progressive I’m talking not able to walk on her own, fighting eating, very physically violent with her care givers ( she’s in memory care my poor bubba was killing himself trying to care for her on his own) and also for the first time me. I’ve always been her Michelle she was to rescue me from the pits of my childhood so watching this downward spiral sucks a*#. My younger 2 children saw her today and it was upsetting to see their faces look scared and confused as I’m keeping still as my nana pulls with all her might on my hair. So I explained that it’s her disease not her as we went to lunch after, I answered their questions and hide my sorrow. That’s what mothers do. I’m sure they know I hide a lot but that’s for another story another day because I have to go now my youngest is currently shoving broccoli 🥦 up his nose and wearing his noodles as hair!